Going home for Christmas was something I decided to do as soon as I got to Tsushima. There wasn't any deliberation on my part; I just knew I was going home. I didn't do much thinking as to why; I didn't articulate that I was going home because I missed my family. I think the closest I came to justifying it was imagining how my parents would feel if I didn't come home for Christmas. It's not that they would have pressured me or given me grief over not coming home. I'm almost positive that, if I told them I had decided for whatever reason not to visit, they'd take it with a straight face and accept it. All the while, though, I would know it was devastating them--and that's the part that got me.
So I decided to go home, I booked the flights, I made the arrangements with school and everything. As I was doing all that, I didn't really think much on why I was going home. Even as I stepped off the plane in Dallas, I didn't feel like I was coming home. I'd been away for so long, and I was staying for such a short time, that I was technically just visiting America.
It wasn't until the ride to the airport with Mom and Dad, on the way to catch my flight to Atlanta, that I realized how much better I felt in general than I had before coming home. I haven't been miserable during this whole stay at all--I've enjoyed the teaching every single day--but I felt like I'd forgotten what it feels like to be at home with family. I'm pretty sure my forgetting was a sort of defense mechanism, to stave off homesickness and culture shock and whatnot (which has worked quite well, so far), but it's still a little scary to forget to miss home.
Anyway, I decided while I was back home that, no matter how much I travel, I won't be staying away from home for long. No matter the cost, no matter the hassle, I simply will not go long without seeing my family. I just need them to feel whole.
By the way, when I was planning this trip home, several people involved in JET cautioned me about it. They said that many people go home for the break, return to native English, central heating, and chairs with backs on them, and then they come back to Japan at the darkest, most bitterly cold part of the year. This apparently breaks the spirit of many JETs, resulting in many people deciding not to recontract, though they may have loved the place before they went home. (My predecessor was one of these.) I listened to this advice, acknowledged it, and paid close attention to how I felt about Japan before going home, while I was at home, and when I got back to Japan.
So far, I haven't felt any differently toward this arrangement. I accept that there are some things that are simply fundamentally different about life here. It's cold, dark, and dreary in February in Japan, and I've spent most of my spare time huddled next to my space heater playing videogames. I've never in my life known cold the way I know cold now. Yet despite this, my love for my life here wasn't lessened by going home. If anything, I came back more determined to stay another year. I know it breaks Mom's heart to see me leave again, and I know I'm missing out on many things I could be doing with friends and family. But I feel the same way Cord did when he left us all behind for 18 months to go to Australia: this is just something I've got to do. I love and miss everyone, and I spend more than a fair amount of time wondering at all the memories I'm missing out on making with the people back home. That doesn't change the fact that I feel more mentally, psychologically, and even spiritually satisfied right now, with where I am, than I have yet in my life.
And besides, I still need to try out for Ninja Warrior.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
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1 comment:
I'm very glad to hear that you're still happy about being in Japan. What you described there...well, that's basically how I felt about leaving on a mission. And my call home for Mother's Day was my reaffirmation about what I was doing. I'd elaborate more about how that feels to realize that, except I don't really know how exactly to put it, and you already know what I'm talking about anyway.
Eventually you're going to go home--maybe sooner or later than you're planning to now, who knows. But when you do, because of your willingness to learn, adapt, and grow as a person, you'll be a better person, one who's more capable of understanding and appreciating your friends and family, the bonds you form with them, and how it is you can be a good friend, brother, and son to them in turn.
Also, there's almost no limit to what I would pay to see you on Ninja Warrior.
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